“But she was fine last week.”
We hear some version of this more often than parents might expect.
The first few drop-offs go surprisingly well. A child walks in, looks around, finds something interesting and barely seems bothered when Mom or Dad leaves.
Then, a week later, everything changes.
There are tears at the door. A little hand suddenly doesn’t want to let go. And naturally, parents start wondering: What happened? She seemed to like daycare.
Sometimes nothing bad happened at all.
Sometimes your child simply figured out that this is the new routine.
During those first few days, daycare can still feel like an interesting new place. New toys. New children. A playground to explore. Mom leaves and then comes back.
After several days, the pattern starts to make sense.
Oh. We’re coming here again. And Mom is leaving again.
For some children, that’s when the real daycare adjustment begins.
A hard goodbye doesn’t tell you the whole story
The few minutes at drop-off can be painful to watch. But they are only a few minutes of a much longer day.
What happens after you leave tells us more.
Does your child eventually settle? Go to a familiar teacher? Become interested in what the other children are doing? Eat lunch, play outside, join an activity?
There are mornings when a parent leaves our parking lot feeling terrible, while their child is busy playing ten minutes later.
That doesn’t mean the tears weren’t real.
Your child really did miss you. Then they managed that feeling and moved on with the day.
Both things can be true.
You may notice it at home, too
Starting daycare asks a lot of a young child, even when the day itself goes well.
Some children want more physical closeness at home for a while. Some are tired earlier than usual. Others hold it together beautifully all day and fall apart over something tiny once they get home.
That can be confusing for parents.
But think about how much a young child is taking in. New people, sounds, routines, expectations and relationships. They are figuring out where things belong, who helps them, what happens after lunch and whether Mom really does come back every afternoon.
That’s a lot of new information for a little person.
So during the first weeks, we don’t judge daycare adjustment by one difficult Monday morning.
We watch what happens over time.
Does your child begin to recognize the routine? Is there a teacher they look for when they need help?
Do certain classmates become familiar? Does the classroom start to feel less like a place they visit and more like a place they know?
Those changes matter.
What if my child still cries at drop-off?
There isn’t a deadline for getting comfortable with daycare.
Some children settle quickly. Others need more time. And some continue to have emotional goodbyes even after they’re comfortable during the rest of the day.
What deserves a closer look is when a child continues to struggle throughout the day and there isn’t any sign of things getting easier over time.
That’s when parents and teachers need to compare notes. What are we seeing at school? What are you seeing at home? Is there a particular part of the day that’s especially hard?
The goal isn’t to produce a tear-free drop-off as quickly as possible.
It’s for a child to gradually learn: I know this place. I know these people. I’m okay here. And my family comes back.
Which leads to another question we hear from families starting preschool in Fairfax, VA:
Should you pick your child up early during those first few weeks?
That’s what we’ll talk about next.
Marina Graetzer
Director, Nuances Childcare & Preschool
Early Childhood Development Specialist